Many married Christian couples have yet to experience satisfying sexuality. However, it is an essential ingredient for a vital Christian marriage. Here are 7 barriers to fun and satisfying lovemaking for married Christian couples.
1. Not knowing what God says about sex
The first commandment God gave was to have sexual intercourse (Genesis 1: 27-28). God had just created mankind in His image, commanded them to be “fruitful and multiply,” and then commented that “it was good” (Genesis 1:31). Somehow, it seems that this was a priority for Adam and Eve.
2. Talk very little to your spouse about sexuality or your preferences.
When couples can share with their spouse about sexuality or their sexual preferences, intimacy is created. An emotional bond results from the intimate level of vulnerability at the conversational level. A good place to start talking about sex is by sharing what making love means to you emotionally, how often you would like to have sex, and even specific times of the day or days.
3. Commit out of obligation, rather than pleasure
Many believe that sex was intended solely for procreation, rather than recreation. Rather, the poetic references in the Song of Songs describe lovemaking that is pleasant and anticipated. Feel free to have fun with sex in different positions and places. However, everything must be respecting the considerations of your spouse. I Corinthians 1: 4 states that our bodies belong to our companions, not just us. It is written from a spirit of equality, in which both spouses should serve each other, rather than one controlling the other. Forcing one spouse to engage in sexual behavior without consent is abusive.
4 Not planning
Many couples, especially Christian ones, feel sexually frustrated. While some of this can be attributed to different sexual appetites, much more is the result of infrequency. Sex is never convenient, but it is essential to a vital relationship. Plan sex like you would any other date. Rather than thinking this is outdated, consider that it allows you and your spouse time to plan the special moment together. Planning also alleviates any concerns about sexual deprivation and sexual pressure.
5. Using sex as a reward or punishment
Sex is often used as a reward for some positive behavior. Or it can be withheld when one spouse is angry with the other. Couples sabotage themselves when their sex life turns into a bartering system. Because of your vulnerability, lovemaking must be unconditional to be meaningful. Find other ways to thank your spouse and healthy ways to overcome your resentments.
6. Unresolved sexual abuse issues
Sexual abuse problems follow spouses into marriage. Victims of sexual abuse may have an aversion to making love or experience painful memories from the past. For some, there may be a distortion of healthy sexuality. If you’ve been hurt by sexual abuse, keep in mind that you did nothing to deserve it. Also, there is hope. I encourage you to find a counselor who specializes in this area and begin the journey to recovery. It is one thing to survive sexual abuse and another to overcome it.
7. Pornography
The most important destructive force for a healthy sex life is pornography. And yes, I am talking about Christian marriages. The images are etched into a person’s mind, thus creating an insatiable thirst for more erotic or harmful behaviors. Some couples have claimed that the use of pornography improves their sex life. I do not agree. Not only is it demeaning, but it encourages empty relationships by focusing on the physical rather than love. If your marriage has been affected by pornography, seek a qualified counselor to help you rebuild the intimacy in your marriage.
In my experience as a Christian counselor, there is a lot of confusion among married couples regarding a healthy Christian sex life. The reality is that God has given sex as a gift for married couples to embrace rather than tolerate or abuse it. Much of today’s culture promotes a tainted view of sex. As Christians, let’s change our culture by strengthening our marriages with healthy Christian sexuality.
