Are you angry right now? If not, when was the last time you got angry? How did you get angry? My guess is that something happened that you object to. Someone or something, God, nature, someone you know, a stranger, did something to make you angry. If you can put your anger aside for a moment and think about it instead of pleasing it, you’ll begin to realize that it’s not the result of what happened or who did it. It is the result of what you tell yourself about what happened.
If someone bumps into you, listen to what’s going on in your mind. You can tell yourself that the person is clumsy, stupid, or trying to annoy you. Your anger arises when you tell yourself that the person should not have done something and that you have a right to be angry about it. So far there is an incident and what you tell yourself about it. If you tell yourself that you’ve been wronged, you’ll likely feel angry as a result.
Sometimes you have been deliberately wronged and have good reason to be angry. Sometimes you experience an inconvenience or something worse that you didn’t mean to hurt. In this case, you are less likely to feel anger. If you find yourself angry, the next question is what to do about it. You have a few options.
You could try to find out if they hurt you on purpose. If not, you can forgive the person who accidentally hurt you. If you decide you were hurt on purpose, you have other options. These range from trying to ignore it to reacting in anger and seeking revenge for what was done to you.
The way you react also depends on how you tend to think of others. You may see people as generally well-meaning and as a result don’t make much of a fuss. It is also possible that he has had life experiences that incline him to view others as hostile, making him more likely to feel angry and look for a way to even the score.
You have a wide variety of options on how to respond to anger. On the mild end, you can tell the other person that you didn’t like what they did. At the other end, you can pull out a gun and shoot the other person. Obviously, there are a wide range of consequences for you and the other person depending on how you respond. However, many people do not stop to think about how to react to their anger or the consequences of how they respond. Unleashing angry impulses can have disastrous consequences for both you and the target of your anger.
Some people find no good way to manage their anger and instead accumulate a grudge on another until the burden becomes too much to bear. They then erupt in anger in a much more severe manner than the immediate incident requires. Again, say that consequences await everyone involved. You can avoid this by being aware of your angry feelings and how they arose, examining your options, and choosing an appropriate response.
action steps
• Try to understand their anger before acting on it.
• Write about your anger to clarify how you feel and what you can do.
• Make sure someone is at fault instead of accidentally hurting you.
• Discuss the matter with the other person instead of reacting impulsively.
• Find common ground whenever possible.
