We regularly read that relationships are not easy. They require hard work to succeed, and veterans often reference their ups and downs with a wry smile. When we get married we make a commitment for better or for worse. So where did the love go, what went wrong that resulted in us now getting divorced? Should we have tried harder, tried harder? Does divorce mean I’m a failure?
We remember how in the past we loved each other. We couldn’t imagine life without each other, we planned our future together, discussing children, travel and old age, reflecting on the many future possibilities with laughter and affection.
Over the years we have come to accept that change happens. Life brings different opportunities and challenges that can take us in unexpected directions, thus opening up new options, perspectives, and priorities. Children, financial pressures, health changes, and family demands bring additional pressures to our lives.
As a consequence, the things that we were initially attracted to each other can start to irritate us. The happy-go-lucky charmer can now be seen as lazy and lacking in motivation. The person who is focused and driven by her career can now be thought of as a ruthless, money-obsessed workaholic. The qualities, which in themselves may be good, may not be desired in our lives.
When a person reaches the point of saying ‘enough, this can’t go on, it’s time to go our separate ways’, it is not a decision taken lightly. Many people will repeatedly try to rekindle their relationship, perhaps take relationship therapy, in their desire to make it work. After all, they once cared deeply for each other. But ending a difficult and unhappy relationship is often the best for everyone involved.
Feeling like a failure can be part of the healing process. Everyone needs time to reflect and grieve after a death or significant ending, and divorce is no different, as it signifies the end of a special relationship and the life we anticipated living, possibly after many years have been invested in it. she.
During and after the divorce, it is important to take time to process what happened. Lessons may need to be learned, regrets may need to be overcome, and feelings of failure may need to be healed. Counseling and hypnotherapy can play an important role in the recovery process, helping with self-esteem, improving the various emotions you may be agonizing over, such as anger, grief, frustration, ‘why me’, especially if the ex filed for divorce and seems to be doing well.
It is important to grieve over what has been said or done, both to yourself and to others. A divorce will have a significant impact on virtually all areas of our lives. It can take time to recover from any harsh exchange of words and actions. We may need a period of reflection to determine our next steps, how to start anew, forge a new identity, and figure out practicalities like childcare, financial considerations, work, and recycling. All of these major decisions can reinforce feelings of vulnerability and failure.
-Children they are often an important consideration during a breakup. They may need to move house or school and have a hard time after the trauma of the breakup, no matter how amicably their parents try to handle it. They often need reassurance that both parents love them, that they were in no way responsible for the divorce, and that they can talk to the absent parent as often as possible.
It can help to let them know what is going on, in an age-appropriate way, to include them in the choice of décor for their new bedroom(s), thus allowing them to feel more positive, considerate, and grounded about the changes.
– Immediate family You may have a hard time accepting the break up and find new arrangements difficult to accept. But grandparents can be invaluable after a divorce, offering stability and security in a potentially stressful environment. You often hear of one set of grandparents being heavily reliant on, perhaps for housing, financial support, or childcare, while the other side almost drifts apart. Both parties must work hard to remain reasonably neutral and avoid too much comment or criticism if they want to maintain contact with each other.
– Home and where to live is an important decision after divorce, as it has important implications. Splitting a house in two is stressful and expensive and can reinforce feelings of overwhelm and failure. Would it be worth sharing the house or renting it for a while to let things settle before embarking on the next decision?
– Work it often becomes more important after divorce. There is the pressure to earn money to live, but there may also be a desire to use this time as a catalyst for a career change, perhaps to retrain and use this as an opportunity to start anew.
Balancing the desire for a fresh start with the need to earn money can be difficult, but you might explore options like night school, working part-time, and accepting offers of support. There may be viable ways to allow a new path to open up for you.
Finding suitable child care, deciding how to proceed next, meeting immediate needs, and perhaps losing the existing support network of friends and family, can add to stress and feelings of being overwhelmed after divorce. Already in a vulnerable situation, it can help us decide that the divorce means that we are a failure.
Try to take things at your own pace and remember, there is no lonelier place than in a loveless relationship. Divorce can be the start of a positive new life.
