Have you ever noticed that everything is a battle with your child? If so, then one of three things is happening. Your child, you, or both of you are in a cycle of competitive need. What is a competitive need cycle?
As humans, we are all born with five basic needs that we are genetically programmed to try to satisfy. They are survival, love and belonging, power, freedom and fun. Without going into the details of the developmental model described in Nancy Buck’s book, Peaceful Parenting, power and freedom combine to form the cycle of competitive need.
When people are in a competitive cycle of need, they are more strongly driven by the need to gain more power and freedom in their lives. With a father and a son, this is usually represented by the father refusing to consider allowing his son to do anything. The father is trying to satisfy the need for power by keeping his son safe and the need for freedom by freeing himself from the worry of wondering about his son while the boy would be involved in the prohibited activity.
The child, on the other hand, is trying to satisfy the need for power by having new experiences and exploring the world and to satisfy the need for freedom by gaining time away from restrictive parental supervision. When a father and son are both in their cycle of competitive need, a power struggle naturally ensues.
I have four sample situations and possible solutions if you, the parent, are willing to consider focusing on your cooperative needs for love, belonging, and fun. Why do you, the parent, have to be the one to do it differently? Because it is you who is dissatisfied with the situation. Whose behavior can you control? I hope you understand that you cannot control your child’s behavior as much as I know you would like to at times. The only person’s behavior you can control is your own.
Since it is you and not your child who is reading this article, I am talking about what you can do to improve the situation.
Staying focused on changing your child will only lead to your frustration and the breakdown of your relationship. You will not be successful in long-term change in your child. He or she may agree while in her presence, but there will not be the required internal motivation to change necessary for any long-term transformation. So let’s see what she does have control of: how she responds to her son’s drive to satisfy her needs for power and freedom.
Rebeca:
The first situation I want to talk about involves ten-year-old Rebecca. Rebecca’s parents came to me frustrated that they had failed to enforce Rebecca’s bedtime and she was frequently moody due to lack of adequate sleep. They also hoped to have some downtime to spend quality time together without children around.
After assessing what was really important, the parents talked with Rebecca about stopping imposing her bedtime. She explained that she could go to bed whenever she wanted, as long as she could get up in the morning, go to school and be relatively nice to family members. However, there would be a quiet time at home beginning at 9 pm At that time, everyone needed to be in their own bedrooms engaged in quiet activity.
These parents couldn’t wait to tell me how well it worked! Since Rebecca didn’t have parents to fight her to get into bed, she could no longer satisfy her need to fight them. Consequently, she began to lie down when she got tired and stopped fighting sleep. Steve and Mary were able to get the quiet couple time they needed, so everyone wins.
Veronica:
The second situation involves my friend Denise and her daughter Veronica. Veronica is 11 years old and she wanted her hair highlighted like all her friends do, but Denise was against the idea. As she discussed the situation with me, Denise realized that she was concerned about the maintenance costs of the highlights and the damage that would be done to her daughter’s beautiful hair if she started applying chemicals to it at a young age. she. Of course, Denise hadn’t explained any of this to Veronica.
What he did say was, “No, you’re too young to bleach your hair. Just because everyone else does it doesn’t mean you should.” Does it sound familiar to you? What I suggested instead is that you tell Veronica about her concerns.
Denise started by saying that she wanted to review their conversation about the highlights. Denise agreed to Veronica’s initial request to receive her highlights as a birthday present from her. But then she asked Veronica what her maintenance plan was. Denise explained that she would have to have the highlighting process done every two months or so and that it would cost her approximately $60 each time. Denise offered to give Veronica money to help her do extra chores around the house.
Since Veronica had agreed to this before and failed to follow up, Denise asked another question. She said, “Veronica, I know you’ve agreed to do extra chores in the past and consistently failed to do them. If history repeats itself and you don’t have the money you need for the chores, are you prepared for what your hair will look like?” once the roots grow?
She also spoke with Veronica about her concern for the health of her hair. She said that starting to put chemicals in your hair at age eleven didn’t bode well for maintaining healthy hair as an adult.
Denise marveled at what happened next. She said that what had been a heated battle between them for months turned into a problem. Veronica decided that she no longer wanted highlights in her hair. She realized that she probably wouldn’t do the chores to earn the extra money needed and that she doesn’t want to look “weird” while she grows her hair out. It’s amazing what happens when we align with our opponent’s resistance. It is a concept that has been taught in the martial arts within the physical realm for centuries, but can be easily applied to the mental realm in parenting just as easily.
Carrie:
The third scenario involved a mother’s horror when she found out what her eight-year-old daughter had done. This mom, Linda, sent her daughter, Carrie, to swim camp. Carrie had been a swimmer for quite some time, but this was the first time she had been exposed to older swimmers at camp.
She learned from them that a good way to cut down on her registration time is to shave all of her body hair. Now what hair could an eight year old have? It didn’t matter — Carrie was determined to shave everywhere but the hair on her head. Horrified, Linda forbids him to do so.
What was Linda worried about? It was a multitude of things. First of all, her daughter was too young to start shaving. Second, she was worried that if she started shaving, her hair would grow back very dark and coarse. (Of course, this is the story of an old wife that many of my generation were exposed to.)
Linda was surprised to learn that despite her refusal to allow Carrie to shave, Carrie later went to the bathroom, ran a dry razor over her skin, and shaved anyway. Unbelievably, at her next swimming meet, she had the best time of her short life up to that point. Did the shave help her or was it the power of her belief that the shave helped? I can’t answer that question. The point, though, is that what actually happened was worse than Linda’s original fears about Carrie’s shaving.
Had Linda listened to her daughter’s wishes and been willing to consider the request, she may have talked to a pediatrician and learned that her second fear was unfounded. She then she could have helped Carrie shave safely instead of with a dry razor and without any supervision.
What parents often don’t realize is that just because they say no to their child doesn’t mean that their child will obediently obey. Often, a “no” means your child will sneak up on you without parental permission anyway. When this occurs, the child is doing something that the parents do not approve of and the parents have no idea and therefore no opportunity to discuss possible dangers and concerns.
My children and their friends:
I used to watch this a lot when my kids were older. They had friends whose parents were quite strict and would not allow them to attend parties where there was known to be alcohol and without parental supervision. On the surface, this makes perfect sense. What responsible father wants his son to drink at a party without any adult intervening if there is a problem?
However, when he denied his son permission to go, what he often saw was the same boy telling his father that he was staying overnight at a friend’s house. So that friend told his parents that he was going to stay at the first friend’s house. In essence, what resulted was two kids out all night, doing God knows what, with no adults having any information about what was going on.
My approach with my children when they wanted to go to a party was to discuss the things that they feared me. If they had an explanation of what they would do to handle the issues that concern me, I would usually let them go. If they couldn’t address certain situations, then they wouldn’t be allowed to go until there was a reasonable plan to address my concerns.
The main thing I was worried about was not drinking and driving. What would you do if you were offered drugs? What would you do if someone showed dangerous signs of having too much? What would they do if violence broke out or things got out of control? What would they do and what would they expect him to do if the police raided the party? Over time, we discussed all of these situations so that I would be satisfied that my children could handle them if they ever came up.
This resulted in me having peace of mind and generally enough information about where my children were going to be and what they were going to do to satisfy me. It’s not an easy way to parent, and it sure doesn’t guarantee that your kids will always make the best decision.
What it does do, however, is stop you from becoming the person your children have to fight with in their attempts to get their needs met. It keeps your relationship with your children strong and influential. It allows you, as a parent, to discuss situations and possibilities that you would not normally have the opportunity to discuss. Plus, it helps your kids make better decisions, solve problems, and anticipate circumstances before they arise.
If you want to study this type of parenting, you can join us for a host of possibilities. Visit our website http://www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz and see our “Parenting” page for more information.
