There are things we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go. ~Author unknown
Grievance is as personal and individual as any other part of our lives. And if you’ve never experienced it, you can’t judge accurately. Death, divorce, or some other life-altering event (such as losing a job) can trigger intense and long-lasting emotions.
Do you think that certain times of the year are more difficult than others?
What loss did you suffer?
For me, the beginning of November creeps up like PMS (you’d think after decades, I’d have recognized those signs!), but I don’t realize until it passes that that’s when Mom died. The ‘funk’ has an explanation, but I don’t always recognize it for what it is.
For my mom, the fifth year after my dad’s death was the hardest. He couldn’t concentrate, he had no energy. He seemed ‘spatial’, beside himself. Eventually, however, the depression and lethargy subsided and life went on.
The complaint has no time limit. And it often doesn’t make “sense” to your mind. You tell yourself that you should be over it by now. Well-meaning friends tell you the same thing. Reason says that death is inevitable. Mentally, you remind yourself that heaven is real.
Your emotions, however, respond to all kinds of triggers: a song, a smell, or the time of day. A spoken word, even a look, can trigger those feelings of loss and hurt. The sensations can be overwhelming.
Here are some suggestions to help you deal with those often overwhelming emotions.
1. Accept. Your emotional reactions are real and human. You’re normal. Do not force yourself to be or feel different, at least for the moment. Don’t let others tell you how to feel, but continue with the next steps. Isolation is your biggest enemy.
2. Breathe. Be aware of your body’s reactions and help it overcome lethargy. Deep breaths are calming and allow your body to de-stress. Put on your favorite music, preferably something you can sing along to. The lyrics help refocus your thoughts. Also, sway or dance to the music: movement is healing.
3. Connect. Do not isolate yourself. Grievance and depression try to push you away and make you feel isolated. Call a loved one or a dear friend and get together for lunch or coffee. Stay connected.
4. Distract. Deliberately plan a meeting, dinner, or some other low-key event to help you get through lonely times (holidays, anniversaries, and other memory-triggering events).
5. Enjoy. Don’t let the simple joys of life make you feel guilty. Find ways to add more enjoyment and fun to your life.
6. Faith. Let this be a time to draw closer to God, to receive His comfort and the comfort of spiritual rituals and activities. Prayer, meditation, and the singing of his favorite hymns strengthen his faith and reinforce his connection with God.
Finding comfort in the little things is an essential key to coping with and overcoming feelings of loss and hurt. You have lost a piece of your heart. A scab may form, but the scar is always there.
So the next time you feel overwhelmed by loss (or know someone who is), remember that one year is not enough. But by adjusting your life and staying connected to your lifelines, you can cope with the loss and move on.
