If you can remember the early days of your marriage, chances are neither of you could do enough for the other. When you first start dating, it’s like you want to do everything in your power to show the other person how much you care, no matter how much time, energy, or effort it takes. But, when they have been together for a while, sometimes this is no longer the norm. One spouse may stop trying very hard, while the other spouse may still want to. Eventually, the disappointed spouse may ask for what he wants: more reassurance, more attention, more effort. And the spouse on the receiving end of this could actually promise that she will do better and then, for whatever reason, fail to deliver.
That’s why you might hear a comment like, “I’m not proud of this, but I’ve threatened my husband that I’ll leave him if he doesn’t put more effort into our marriage. He’ll apologize.” but she eventually promises to do better. She never does. The thing is, he didn’t ask for the moon and the stars. He only asks that he be a thoughtful husband and that he act like a man who puts his wife first. The older he gets, the lazier he gets at this. He never wants to take me out to dinner, spend quality time with me, or show me that he cares. His ideal day is to do as little work as possible in his office. , go out for a long round of golf with your lazy friends, and then park in front of the TV and even have dinner on the couch. I don’t want to live this way. I don’t mind that he has his hobbies. But there has to be a balance. I will tell him that I need more effort and attention from him or I may have to leave the relationship. It’s only at this point that he will beg me not to go and tell me how much he loves me and that he couldn’t live without me, which is what I’ve wanted to hear all this time. So, he will promise me that I will see great changes. He may see small amounts of effort for a few days, but then he’ll be back to his old ways almost immediately. I get so tired of this. For me, not keeping your promises demonstrates a serious lack of integrity and respect and I am getting ready to walk. Because I’m so tired of this cycle. How can I get it to do what it says it’s going to do?”
There are definitely some things you can try, and it certainly doesn’t feel like you’re asking for too much. At the same time, while you can try to change a person’s actions or habits, you can’t really change the essence of who that person is. What I mean by that is that while you can encourage your husband to be more loving and demonstrative (and rack up positive feedback when he does), it’s unrealistic to think that you can completely change your husband’s personality so that he’s more aligned with you. with your own.
Understand how men can be different: Men are naturally less demonstrative than women. Yes, they can be encouraged and trained a little to do better. But it will probably never be their natural inclination to be caregivers in the way that ours is. With all of that being said, if you need more from him, then you’re perfectly within your rights to ask for it. But, if you really want to get what you want from him, then you have to understand basic human nature.
Understand duplication: People will usually respond by mirroring what you are giving them. What I mean by this? If you treat your spouse with positive emotions, you are likely to return to positive behavior. But, if you treat your spouse with negative reinforcement (like threatening to leave when he doesn’t act the way you want), then you may get passive-aggressive behavior in return, like what you’re seeing sometimes right now. Please do not get me wrong. I think you have every right to ask for more. I just think I might be flipping it the wrong way to ensure the best result.
Why positive reinforcement can get different results: When you threaten to leave him, he may feel criticized and rejected, making it more difficult for him to give you what you want. I would suggest that, as much as possible, he try to use positive reinforcement. When you present him with what he wants, refer to a time when acting in that certain way gave him more of what he wants. So you could try, “Remember that time you made surprise dinner reservations and we barely made it through dinner because I couldn’t keep my hands off you? I miss those times. I wish we could do it again.”
You may not immediately go out and make reservations, but you could try to make smaller efforts. And when he does, it’s important that you acknowledge and praise him. Tell him how good it makes you feel when he tries to express his affection to you. The reason for this is that it is very important that he does not think that he will ever reach his high standards. Because if he thinks this, he may not even try. Instead, give him small achievable goals, praise him when he achieves them, and then just level it up little by little as he gains confidence.
The other day, I saw a celebrity on a talk show and was asked how she stayed happily married for twenty years. She recounted a story in which her husband had told her that he had charged her cell phone and then proceeded to hand it over to her while his hands were full and he was in danger of dropping it. She said that she had learned to read between the lines. Instead of getting angry because she handed her the phone when she already had her arms full of her, she knew that her way of taking care of her and showing her love was by charging her phone. Sometimes you have to look for those little moments and then praise them so that she wants to do more for you. As you gain success with this, you will gradually ask for more and more, offering encouragement all the while.
