What about the little white lies? What happens when your partner asks you if this dress makes her look fat? What do you think? Is it okay to lie to someone we care about for a good reason, like to make them feel better and safer, or to avoid a fight? As long as our hearts are in the right place, even the experts say honesty isn’t always necessary. You don’t have to tell the whole truth if it will hurt your partner or if it’s something you can’t change. “
At the same time, not all lies are harmless, even little white lies, and some untruths can tear a relationship apart by damaging intimacy and trust. The worst kinds of lies are the result of trying to change who we really are or to downplay a serious problem in a relationship.
The following are some lies that can harm your relationship.
“You deserved that promotion.”
Your partner is upset that they just passed him over for a raise, again. You’re trying to cheer him up. This is not a good lie because your partner most likely wants your emotional support rather than your opinion of your job skills and performance. When you focus on him not getting the promotion instead of his feelings, you’re saying that you can’t stand to see him depressed or deal with his depression. The best response would be something like “I’m sorry. I know how bad you must feel.”
“You think she was flirting with Stan! Don’t be silly!”
Stan is a handsome colleague who you flirt with on a regular basis. Your partner saw one of these interactions and didn’t like what they saw. You actually flirt with Bob, but you know your exchanges mean nothing, so it’s not worth discussing. Still, if your partner mentioned this, they must be feeling jealous or insecure. By minimizing the feelings, you are distancing yourself and damaging the relationship. It’s better to say that sometimes you flirt with Stan but it doesn’t mean anything because you have no intention of getting involved with him.
Lying about sexual satisfaction is not a good idea because your love life will never improve if your partner doesn’t know that they are not satisfying you. It’s better to say something like “Honey, can we try another way?”
“I love spending Christmas with your family.”
I was hoping that the two of you could have an intimate vacation together, for once, but your partner just told you that he already promised that you two would spend it with his family. Your thought is that you will hate this, but it’s already done, why fight about it? The problem is that the holidays will come every year, and if you don’t say something about it, you’ll get mad every year. It’s better to say something like, “I’ll try to have a good time, but next year, let’s talk together about our vacation plans before we get engaged.”
“Nothing is wrong.”
You’re in a really bad mood, but it’s not about your partner and you don’t feel like going into details until you’ve ironed out the details.
This type of lying can turn something small into a big deal because your partner will wonder what is so wrong that you can’t share it with them. It’s better to say, “I’m upset, but it has nothing to do with you, and I don’t feel like talking about it right now.”
“Thanks for the surprise! I love these earrings!”
He was in a store, they caught his eye and he had them wrapped up to leave. Earrings aren’t really your style, but you appreciate her kindness, and being critical of those earrings can keep her from trying to do spontaneous things to please you. It’s probably best to tell the truth about your taste if you suspect you spent a lot of money on them.
“You are the best lover I have ever had.”
You’re next to him, sweaty, panting, and post-orgasmic.
Sure, you’re exaggerating a bit, but you feel elated.
This lie won’t hurt him because it’s a compliment that will make him feel good.
“Susan says hi.”
Your friend hates your partner, who wants to know who you’ve been talking to on the phone. You don’t want to hurt their feelings, so this is a good lie because it’s kinder than the truth.
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