SPRING brings out the genetic “clean sweep” factor in most of us. It’s time to clear, rearrange and ditch the boxes of stuff in the corner of the basement and clean out the garage. Sometimes those “stuff” include personal belongings of a loved one who has died. Sometimes it’s just a potpourri of unnecessary stuff, just nostalgic, or clearly ready to “let go.” But even though the motivational genes have been activated, the process of dealing with them is more difficult than anticipated.
Making decisions about items that belonged to a loved one who has died is emotionally difficult. Some people put off this task for a long time because it seems too painful. In many cases, time makes a difference, and from year to year the value of items decreases slightly. It is best to conquer this arduous task when you are motivated to face it. Just like complaints, there is no right or wrong way to handle this process. You just need to go through it.
Here are some tips to start the task:
Be prepared: The most important step is “Be ready”. You will know whether or not you are ready to “let go” of those precious items that belong to your deceased loved one. In some cases, you may feel pressured to redistribute items for valid reasons (such as having to sell a residence a parent lived in after the parent’s death). In that case, the daunting task may need to be accomplished in a limited amount of time. Motivate yourself by choosing to think of this job as uncovering the mysteries and messages of your loved one’s life. Scanning personal belongings can often elicit a laugh; a reaction like, “I didn’t know that; and above all remember memories of moments that were important to him or her.
I personally stored tubs full of things that belonged to our son, Chad, after his death because I wanted to keep them and go through them again. How often did I watch them? Occasionally, but not as often as I thought he would. And, I confess, I still have two tubs of stuff I’m not ready to part with. For me, some items that I was able to give to Chad’s friends in a few months because he wanted certain people to have these items that he knew they would appreciate. Other things, I still stubbornly cling to for reasons of nostalgia. I figure as long as I have space… why not?
Determine the “Targets” before starting the project
Make 3 or 4 sorting spots where you can place items at the start of the process. Destroy/Throw away… Consign/Sell… Keep… Give away are good “destinations”. Items can be re-evaluated as you go. Sort quickly and follow your first instinct. Chances are your first tilt was the best one. Dwelling on items while estimating value, either in cash or memory, creates a greater opportunity to repackage the item and have to deal with it later.
Keep items that make you shed a tear, warm your heart, and summon deep, hearty laughter. For now, these are an incredible value!
Gifting can include many destinations. Perhaps a charity could benefit from articles that could be useful to them. It is good to give treasured items to relatives or friends of the deceased. Most communities have some individual benefit at any given time for someone who is in dire need of household items or clothing.
Consignment/Sale – This is an ideal option for items that are less personal, such as household items, tools, hobbies, etc. There may be quick cash value for an eager buyer, but price it to sell. I wouldn’t consider putting a deceased loved one’s item out to the curb for disposal or spring cleaning. There is something unfavorable about that no matter what the item is. And I would be very upset to see the article on the back of my neighbors or in their house! It is just my opinion!
Ask for help.
Because this is an overwhelming job full of emotions and memories, it’s good to have other family members or friends help you through the process. When there are painful “indecisions” about elimination, whose. Keep the item for another day or time when you feel more comfortable giving it up.
If you have trouble throwing away personal items or clothing, hire someone who can make those decisions. Ask the enlisted person to remove the bag of items so you don’t have any questions later. Speaking from experience, I have literally salvaged too many items by bringing them back into the house. It’s easy to “believe” that you can’t live without it!
In some cases, you may need professional services. You may want to hire an appraiser for valuable items that family members don’t necessarily want to keep. There are businesses that specialize in real estate sales and auctions that can take some of the burden off you. Also, there are companies that “clean up” abandoned properties and dispose of items for a fee. These are all decisions you will have to make based on your circumstances. If you just can’t deal with the intense emotions and overwhelming tasks of all the hassles, this is a good option. Go first and save what you want. Then leave the rest in good hands and don’t look back!
Share and seize the day
If there is an extended family who may be interested in some of the items you would otherwise throw away, it is good to have a gathering when these can be put on display and given away. The hardest part here is accepting that some items may be rejected by those you invite. Do not judge. Everyone places a value on different things. Some people are not keepers of “stuff” regardless of sentimental value. Remember, these items are important to YOU, not necessarily someone else.
Someone told me how they handled items belonging to a grandmother. They gift-wrapped selected items for each child and grandchild (items they thought the person would like) and placed them under the Christmas tree that year. How comforting to open a package that contained something that belonged to “grandma”!
My husband’s grandmother did something similar. Many years before her death, when she was leaving her house, she had all her children and grandchildren come. In an orderly way (for example, by date of birth), each one could choose an element by which they wanted to remember her. We took the article from her that day and kept it in memory of her both before and after her death. (She lived at least twenty more years!)
yesElemental elements (photograph, family albums)
In your cleaning chore, you’re likely to find some items you’ve never seen before or some that bring back vivid memories of better times. She may want to put them aside and review them later rather than interrupt the sorting process. So you can make a better decision about what to do with that item. Cherish and savor special moments as you read, touch or feel items that capture another moment in your loved one’s life. These are treasured experiences.
Family photos and albums become a huge collection over time. I am facing that problem right now with genealogical information and family photos going back a long time. No one wants to be the “keeper” of the information-filled tub; however, everyone thinks that it has some value and should be stored somewhere. Finally I decided to scan the old photos that were very worn, along with others that were in good condition, in addition to scanning documents. This way I can identify them and save them to a computer, flash drive, or the cloud for someone. The tub of tangibles is ready for a new home… and those interested?
Keep going even if it gets tough!
A dear friend of mine who now resides in an assisted living home taught me a very valuable lesson that sounds harrowing, but really identifies our journey through this life. He had a nice house and many precious objects that have been systematically reduced because of his illness at the present time in which he already has very few of his tangible treasures. He tells us about our transitions through life. At one point, we are “gatherers” trying to accumulate things. And as we get older, if we’re that lucky, we realize that things aren’t what our journey is about. Our first inclination is to give it to a family member who might really “care” about it. What we discover when we try to download items we thought were valuable is that they have depreciated over time, just like us.
The lesson from this is to appreciate the blessings of all the personal items we’ve had to use and enjoy over the years. Most of us will admit that we have a lot more than we REALLY need. We had it because we liked it and we could afford it. Whether you’re redistributing your loved one’s items or downsizing your own, homework makes us face loss and reality in very personal ways. The rescue that really tells our story is the decision that requires honest evaluation and can be emotionally draining. If it hasn’t already happened, reset your personal list of priorities. ask yourself; If I had to move into a one-bedroom apartment right away, what couldn’t I live without? And if you’re honest with yourself, nothing is as valuable as all the memories or stories that come with any item in your stash.
This spring started out the same as the last…we are doing a project by letting go of a few more possessions that have served their purpose, are unused and can give me some reassurance that I am doing my part. I didn’t say this was a one-year project. I’ve been at this for several years now because I’ve had the luxury of taking my time. In the back of my mind, I’m always thinking of those who have to clean up after us when we die. What will they think of all that we have accumulated that tells the story of our life? And it’s no surprise that the items we value don’t seem important to them at all. We are the ones who give value to all the things we have. Craig’s List, eBay, or your local consignment store may not agree.
The end result of this long process is the Relief and Happiness that I have accomplished a little more of the hard work. It even makes the future look brighter. My thrift closet is filling up and I feel good about it. Okay, now that I’ve written this, I’m motivated to get back to the task at hand…maybe even give those Chad tubs a second look! But I can guarantee you that next spring I will do it again (and there will probably be another article!)
