I’ve been talking to my friends lately about respect. In particular, we have been talking about teaching our children to say “mrs. and sir.” This is a very touchy subject for African Americans. Some of my closest friends are horrified by children who don’t say “yes sir or no ma’am” to adults. They say it’s a sign of respect for young people to say “Mrs. and Sir.” And it’s disrespectful not to. However, when pressed to explain or explore where that belief came from, they quickly shut down. Often resting on the idea, “my parents taught me to respect my elders. And that is what I will teach my children.” As if these simple words were an incantation that magically generated respect. I would like to explore and challenge our idea of how we nurture and develop respect among our children in a modern society.
Black people have traditionally been held to the highest standards of respect and decorum. My parents and grandparents demanded that we show them the highest degree of respect. We were instructed in practices that showed his reverence for his position of authority. For example, most blacks can recall these phrases being used frequently,
“Always say please and thank you.”
“Always say ‘yes sir and no ma’am’.”
“Don’t talk while the adults are talking.”
“Children are to be seen and not heard.”
“Don’t respond to adults.”
“Do what I tell you to do.”
“I am your father. I am not your friend.”
“Don’t ask me ‘why’. Do as I told you.”
All of these mantras are designed to delineate the relationship between child and adult. In general, the line between parent and child should never be crossed. Crossing that line in the black community has often resulted in a swift and sharp correction. I have seen children try the line in supermarkets, hair salons, churches and schools. The response was usually a stern look or a quick swipe of the hand. Questioning the decision of parents in my mother’s day was unheard of. My grandmother ruled with an iron fist and a leather belt. You never wanted to “cross” my grandmother. At 80 years old she gave me and my brother Drummond one of the worst beatings in life. Not even my older brother’s advice, “just say yes ma’am to all of his questions” would save us from that scourge. We never disrespected Grandma again. However, ironically I lost a bit of my reverence for her. For many years, I was afraid of my grandmother, but I don’t think she really respected her. And this idea is what worries me the most. I believe that blacks mix fear and respect.
Blacks in America have a two-sided tradition around issues of respect. Since the days of slavery, we have been taught to obey our white slave owners. There were two main tools that they used to achieve this goal. First it was fear. The slave master used many tools to terrify the slave into obeying. The first layer was the language of obedience. This was the most enduring practice of slavery. After the flogging, lynching, rape, and other terrorist tactics of slavery were dissolved, the practice of whites calling blacks “boy” and blacks calling whites “sir” endured. However, even as we spoke the words of respect, our anger and resentment boiled inside. The second conditioning tool was his interpretation of religion. We were given a religious perspective that demanded humility and obedience as precursors to the heavenly promise. We were literally told that we had to obey the master to get to heaven. This spiritual conditional has become part of the religious DNA of the black community. As a result of these two enduring practices, the language of obedience and the spiritual mandate of obedience, blacks have been the most accommodating subgroup in America.
This could be the most destructive of all time from the negative legacies of slavery metal. While there are many practices of that excruciating experience called slavery that have endured, our commitment to following the rules can be very unproductive for us. Accepting the status quo has resulted in blacks being the lowest-paid subgroup in America. We have also had the least political influence due to our quiet compliance with politicians. We’ve had a “Yes boss” mentality about everything important. We’ve been saying “Yes sir” when we really should be saying “Hell no!” We should demand higher wages. We should demand better funded schools. We should demand a fair criminal justice system. But instead, we show our respect by saying “yes sir” to financial, social, and political policies that completely disrespect us.
White people don’t force their children to say “Mr. and Mrs.” I worked in a school that had a tradition of students referring to their teachers by their first names. White parents rarely had a problem with that. This practice was emblematic of our teaching pedagogy. We emphasize the student-teacher relationship as the foundation for learning. The idea is that the classroom is a place for the exchange of ideas between students. The teacher and the student are both learners. The role of the teacher is defined as a facilitator and the role of the student is that of a scholar (one who seeks knowledge). However, most black parents were horrified by the idea of their child referring to a teacher by his first name. Many of the new black kids politely put a Mr. or Mrs. before their teachers’ first names. This usually lasted a semester before the article was discarded.
This debate about what is respectful language is really ridiculous. Some of the most respectful kids in our country today are white kids who don’t say “mr. and ma’am.” While some of the most disrespectful kids are the black ones who say “sir and ma’am” while littering in their yard or showing more than a few inches of butt while their pants fall below the waist. If you look up the word “ma’am”, many dictionaries say that the word is almost extinct. Senator Barbara Boxer rejected the use of the word in her response “Don’t call me ma’am.” However, we hold on to it out of tradition. It is more like a condition, which has us clinging to this practice.
As humanity evolves, truth should be the highest goal of any society. Let us discover our highest truth through discussion. True respect begins with doing the hard work of talking to children. My 10th grade English teacher, whom I call Mr. Jenkins, says that “education is a confrontation with ignorance.” This means that we need to have a dialogue with the children. We shouldn’t see questioning him as disrespectful. Children must be heard and seen. We need to discuss what practices will be good for our children in the future, not just blindly practicing what we have been taught. John Milton said, “Let her and Falsehood meet; who knew that Truth grew worse in a free and open encounter?” Through the exchange of ideas, we come to our collective agreements on how we should interact with each other. Let’s keep having the dialogue, “Please, sir.”
