I was chatting with a lovely friend of mine yesterday, and the topic turned to relationships of the harmful variety, and she made an obvious and valid point. There is never a single toxic relationship in our lives, and what they all have in common is us. So, to some degree, it means that it really isn’t them, and it really is us.
Now, before you yell at me, listen to me. I’m not saying it was all your fault. But this is something I know to be true about myself and my relationships; I was complicit in allowing bad things to happen, and because it was happening in the most important relationship of my life, I allowed it to spill over onto others.
It’s true.
Think about your life. That relationship with your toxic partner marked your life, and I suppose you wanted a quiet life (or at least, to be allowed to live as you wanted). Because she colored her perceptions, her actions changed around her. So his boss started acting unreasonably, or a family member of his started picking on him…see the pattern?
We get what we allow people to give. Some people don’t like us and never will, and some people are of the opinion of “I like me, who do you like?” People who fall into these categories will either go out of their way to annoy and annoy you, or they won’t care if their actions in your quest for world domination annoy you. But the common denominator at all times is you.
Since you are the common denominator, what do you do about it?
The answer is simple. Do not give them the opportunity to spread their particular toxicity through your life. You can deal with this in many ways. Be nice to them or cut them out of your life. It’s your choice. But when you think about your toxic relationships and realize that you always attract the bastards into your life, it’s partly because you’re giving them permission.
Take away the permission and take away the pain.
The freedom of this is immense. I know that a toxic relationship wears down our confidence and we condition other people’s responses to us by our actions and beliefs as to what we may feel we deserve, depending on our low self-esteem. It just makes us an easy target for abuse. If we don’t tell the people in our lives who hurt us that that’s exactly what they’re doing, how will they know to stop?
Be the common denominator of the good things and precious friendships in your life.
