Technically, there are two types of complaint pools. Information and support groups are for people who have an interest in the complaint process. The purpose of these groups is to promote education and awareness of complaints. It covers the complaint process in a more academic way.
The second type of grievance group is a process and personal growth oriented group that focuses on facilitating the personal loss management of the individual participant. It is therapeutic in nature and can take many different forms including: individuals, couples, parents, siblings, and family groups. Each group generally focuses on a specific type of loss (death loss, suicide, homicide, SIDS, divorce, etc.), as well as the unique needs of group members. Although there is much common ground between these groups, each has its own unique dynamics and concerns. We will focus on this type of group, sometimes called grief recovery groups. I prefer the term “Complaint Management”.
Before we can help people handle their complaint, we need to understand the term “manage.” Managing can mean being successful in doing something, especially something that seems difficult or impossible. The intransitive verb means to survive or continue despite difficulties, especially lack of resources. Both of these variant meanings apply to complaint management. “Healing”, on the other hand, implies a restoration to a previous state. Although we are talking about semantics, it is important to understand that loss leaves a permanent void; a permanent part of the survivor is missing, never to be restored.
Complain
The grievance is characterized by a confusion in which it is difficult to identify the feelings. Dozens of emotional reactions occur simultaneously. Analyzing the parts of the grievance can help the person separate one feeling from another. Once a feeling is identified, it can be expressed. It can be brought to light where the healing takes place.
Grievance not only provokes many physical reactions, but is also accompanied by many practical, social, philosophical, and spiritual problems. A person may not receive or expect to receive answers to problems, but they should certainly have the opportunity to express questions. There are answers and solutions to many grievance problems. When time is spent on problem resolution, unresolved complaint cases are reduced.
With the right support, mourners can move into a state of peace and acceptance. This is the goal of complaint management groups.
Group Leaders/Facilitators:
When working with bereaved people in a group, you need to be clear about your role in the process. As complaints facilitators, we take on important responsibilities. Mourners should be able to expect a high degree of professionalism from us. We need to have a working knowledge of the grievance process, group dynamics, and the impact that a significant loss has on the psyche. Active listening and helping skills are extremely important. We listen with empathy to their stories, validate, interpret the emotional content and translate it into the language of grievance.
All grievance facilitators must:
Be open to what mourners can teach you about grief and grieving. Understand that the focus during the group is on each member’s journey through their own particular grievance work. The group exists for your benefit. Our job is to create the environment, set the direction, and direct the group process within the boundaries of mutual respect and purposeful dialogue. It is to everyone’s benefit to stay “on task” and “on topic.”
Accept all group members unconditionally, “just as they are.” We are not there to “do therapy” with them. We cannot take away their pain or “fix” their lives in any way. Each person’s point of view is appropriate because it is formed from their own personal knowledge and experiences with life up to this moment in time. Our job is to listen without judgment and offer a new understanding and perspective. We can validate their feelings as they recount their experiences. We can help them externalize their thoughts. We can help bring feelings to the surface. We can facilitate the expression in the language of complaints.
Be open to the idea that most of the time it is within the context of sharing and discussion that we also teach. For example, we can use what a mother shares as a way to teach the common denominators of grievance and grief. As facilitators we can ask, “Has anyone else felt the way Saundra feels?” o “Many people experience feelings of isolation, Nicole, tell us more about how that feels for you” o “It sounds like what Grant says about feeling guilty is similar to Gail’s experience. Can anyone else add to that?” or “What other feelings are a normal part of grieving?”
Our hope is that this type of interactive exchange will provide you with new information, new experience, and new insights that will promote positive healing. However, the main thing to remember is to “keep the ball in their court.” It is your life, your feelings, and your job to do the work of complaining. Be aware of each bereaved, the feelings behind their words, and the general atmosphere in the room. We want each participant to have the same opportunity to be heard. Each participant deserves the full attention of the group while sharing. We do our best to include everyone in all activities and discussions, while allowing them the freedom to abstain or “approve” if they choose.
Recognize that your role is to help the bereaved understand and then work through the grievance tasks. Covering this agenda is desirable; however, “the best laid plans” can go out the window in favor of the agenda the bereaved brings to the session. It is important to work through your immediate concerns and burdens. We want to be flexible. We remind ourselves that we can almost always expect unfinished business at the end of each session. In my experience and the experience of many colleagues, it has been found that planned topics, assignments, and curriculum are eventually covered in a natural and spontaneously relevant way.
Be willing to share your role as facilitator. As your group evolves, it is likely that some members will work as unofficial co-facilitators. Motivate them. Go with the immediate (dynamic) flow. The skill, of course, is to step in and redirect when the dynamic is unhealthy.
Understand that the atmosphere of each group session can be clearly varied. The temperaments, personalities, and experiences of everyone present will be significant factors in how the group interacts. Don’t be surprised or discouraged by variations in mood from one session to the next. Sometimes we worry that no “progress” is being made or that we have “lost control.” Other times the group is so quiet that it’s like “pulling teeth” to get an answer or, on the contrary, they can get diverted to some other topic instead of “dealing with the grievance”. It’s frustrating! We continually relearn how to deal with our high expectations by replacing them with softer assessments of what is being achieved. Each pool can have a different flavor and still be highly effective, even if we had our doubts at first that the pool would ever “freeze.” Our own retrospective and member evaluations at the end of the series often reveal and affirm the value of each group’s process.
A word of caution
There is a fine line between facilitating a strong group and forcing or dominating your group. While members will appreciate your nurturing leadership, they won’t appreciate too tight a control of group interaction. Sometimes that means letting group dynamics dictate what happens next. Other times, your “gentle firmness” will be welcomed as you lead the group through the discussion.
I have found that the most effective facilitators in complaints handling groups lead quietly but firmly. That is, they are warm and responsive while at the same time making others feel comfortable that someone is “in charge.”
