Here are some suggestions for developing boundaries:
1) Help the person identify areas in their life that show a lack of boundaries.
2) Help the person explore the reason for the lack of boundaries (eg, are you afraid of not being liked or rejected if you have boundaries?).
3) Have people build relationships with people who have strong boundaries and who will encourage the person to set their own.
4) Help the person identify how successful and caring people always have strong boundaries.
5) Show the person how even Christ had strong limits.
6) Make the person take charge of their own problems and do not allow them to play the victim or blame others. (e.g. The customer is not allowed to say I’m going broke because Johnny keeps turning up the thermostat. The real reason the customer is going broke is because they don’t have a firm limit to keep Johnny from turning up the thermostat.) thermostat). ).
7) Help people set boundaries and set consequences with people who push, manipulate, control, or otherwise break boundaries.
8) Teach the person that it is still good to give freely and even sacrificially (sometimes) to people who really need help. Having limits does not mean that one lacks grace, mercy, or charity.
The anatomy of a limit
Boundaries have a simple anatomy: there are two basic parts to a boundary. The first is to set the limit and is called the If You part. The second is the consequence and defense of the limit, it is called the Then I part.
If you:
The if you separate is a description of an unacceptable transgression. Describes the specific boundary and how it must not be crossed. For example, if a person’s limit refers to another person taking their car without permission, the if you statement could be: If you take my car without my permission.
I will:
The I part of a boundary details the action one will take to protect the boundary. For example, using the car scenario, the I will statement might sound like: I will report my car stolen to the police and then press charges against it.
(Sound harsh? It isn’t! If a person takes someone else’s car without permission, they are breaking the law and should be held accountable for it. Stealing from friends and family is still stealing. Of course, the person who has the habit of taking someone else’s car must be well informed of the limits. Imagine borrowing someone’s car, thinking you agree with it, and then being arrested! Therefore, it is necessary for one’s limits to be communicated clearly to others).
Other examples include:
If you’re late for our date, I won’t go out with you.
If you hit me, I’ll call the police and get a restraining order against you.
If you yell, I’ll stop talking to you.
If you forget to turn in your homework, I will fail you.
It is not enough to set limits, it is necessary to enforce them. The worst thing a person can do is set a limit and then not carry out their compliance strategy. If a person doesn’t respect her own boundaries, why should anyone else?
Sometimes people are not ready to set limits. For example, if a person wants to put boundaries on a relationship, but isn’t willing to leave the relationship, don’t have that person on. I will leave the relationship as a consequence. The I will do consequence should be something they are willing to enforce, such as: I will leave the house and call you the next day to discuss the problem. Setting limits is not about making threats. It’s about respecting and taking care of yourself. Some people can become too rigid with their limits. Think about the person who set the limit: if you say something I don’t like, I will yell at you and insult you. Obviously, not all limits are good. People need to consider the ways their boundaries can harm others (and themselves). The telephone psychologist can help you.
