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Written by Randi Fine, Narcissistic Abuse Expert and Coach

Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine
If you are looking for someone who will meet your needs, support you, and appreciate the best you have to offer, don’t trust your narcissistic abuser. Narcissists are emotionally limited and do not have the ability to empathize with you. They will never be who you want them to be. The sooner you can accept this fact, the better off you will be.

You’ve probably seen glimpses of that ideal person in your narcissist and told yourself that there must be a good person somewhere inside of them, that there’s always hope that they can change. Since the narcissist is human, you will catch glimpses of humanity, but never empathy. Be careful not to let these brief emanations of kindness fool you into believing in the narcissist’s potential. A narcissist is only nice and kind if there is some personal benefit to being so. Forget about potential. What you see is what you get.

The following are tips to help you manage the narcissist in your life. You should strategize to protect yourself with the same diligence with which your abuser strategizes to abuse you:

1. Stay emotionally distant. If you continue to live with the narcissist, do not share any of your feelings or emotions with him. Be careful. Don’t let him see you get angry. Don’t try to rationalize with him. He sees these things as weaknesses and he will use them against you. If you are physically removed from the narcissist, the same applies, but it may be easier to do.
2. Do not give advice or tips to narcissists. They will take your helpful words as criticism and lash out at you.
3. Test your sense of humor. Narcissists do not have the ability to laugh at themselves. You and she don’t find the same things funny, and she is easily offended.
4. Postpone and delay rather than confront. If you feel that a conversation is not going well or that you are criticized, make excuses that allow you to buy time and calm their emotions.
5. Be direct and concise when talking to the narcissist. The more you craft, the weaker it will seem to him. You don’t have to explain yourself or fill awkward silences. Just say what you have to say and leave a dead air space.
6. Never negotiate with a narcissist. You will lose every time.
7. Never give a narcissist a second chance. If he’s made a promise and doesn’t keep it, don’t let him talk you into saying he’ll do better next time. He does not. If he ignores a limit that he has established, follow the consequences that he previously established.
8. Manage the narcissist’s capricious emotions and moods. Think of her as a child having a tantrum instead of an adult who has power over you. Try to dispel your anxieties and fears. It is her fragility, not her high self-esteem, that makes her intimidate.
9. Convince the narcissist that you are playing on the same team as him. Don’t give him reasons to treat you like an enemy.
10. Have no expectations of the narcissist. She will never consider your feelings, take responsibility for anything she does, or apologize for hurting you. She doesn’t care about you and she never will.
11. Accept that what you see is what you get. he will do it never change the person you want me to be. Don’t let her fool you into thinking that she will. Remind yourself of this often. Create a statement that you can say to yourself to reinforce the fact.
12. Try not to take his treatment of you personally. It is a symptom of your insecurities. It’s not about you.
13. Stay focused on your personal goals. Don’t let the narcissistic side follow you. Be patient and be smart.
14. Exercise self control. Narcissists are button pushers. They love reactions and they love drama. Don’t feed on the things they do.
15. Never accuse or blame the narcissist. This will infuriate them, narcissists cannot see that they are anything less than perfect and will never believe that they are at fault for anything. Take responsibility for all your feelings by using “I” statements.
16. Never demand or give ultimatums. If you want to influence the narcissist in a particular direction, frame it in a way that appeals to their ego. Instead of saying, “My office is having another family picnic. I always want to go and you never say yes. If you say no, I’ll leave without you,” you could say, “My boss asked about you today. He thinks you’re so smart and interesting, and look forward to seeing you at this year’s family picnic. The girls in my office also look forward to seeing you there. They always talk about how handsome and charming you are.”
17. Narcissists feed on compliments. Nothing soothes the wild beast more than having its ego stroked. Tell her how successful she is, how pretty she looks, and how much you admire the ease with which she connects with people.
18. Narcissists use fear to control their victims. Don’t show him that you’re afraid of him. Take back your power.
19. Don’t take anything the narcissist says at face value. Sh lies and manipulates even when there is no reason to. And it reinvents the past to fit the narrative that best suits it. Be demanding with everything he tells you so as not to fall into his traps.
20. Never relate to a narcissist. You will only make things worse for yourself. Use the strategy instead. Learn what motivates him and use it to your advantage.

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