I remember I really wanted to slow down. I noticed how my drug dealer/friend seemed to be living off drugs and still living and taking care of his responsibilities. He just didn’t do drugs as much as I did, so he was more balanced. His secret was to do a little to keep him going during the day and give him energy. Another advantage was that his drug bag lasted longer because he wasn’t high all the time. He controlled how much he did. That sounded like a good plan to me!
During this time, I was with my ex-husband, Mark, who introduced me to meth one fateful New Year’s Eve. We were your typical meth couple; We did all the fighting and love that any meth couple does. Life was full of meth stress and drama. Our lives evolved around methamphetamine. I shared with Mark my desire to try to be more responsible with our habit. He was borderline diabetic, so eating was essential to his mental stability and he was in a much better mood if he slept a bit than if he didn’t. He half agreed to my plan.
It would work for a couple of days; especially when we were running out of money and trying to figure out how we could get some money or have the courage to ask our dealer/friend to give us some. In those days, we could get by with little bumps during the day and even try to sleep at night. Then we’d run out and make the call, find him at lunchtime, and come back to work with a big bag of meth in Mark’s pocket, grinning enthusiastically. We would get home that night and all the dreams of ‘making it last’, and ‘only doing what we needed to do to function’ and ‘being responsible’ would go up in smoke from our bowl.
That would be followed by great regret. He would start hating myself for feeling nervous and sick. I would hate myself for being weak and dependent. I would hate myself for not standing up to Mark and telling him we needed to be more responsible, but standing up to Mark wasn’t easy. But I think the real killer moment was when I woke up and looked at my sucked face and realized I couldn’t put it down. Many times I cried for the face in the mirror.
It’s a terrible feeling. If you’re there, you know it. You no longer want to do it alone because you know it governs everything you do. You don’t even know what you would be without him. You tell yourself that you are going to get out of the bathroom and you will deny yourself to prove to yourself that you ARE in control. She knew she would never survive the commute without him.
My message to you is that it can be done through God’s strength, outside support, resources, responsibility, and a lifestyle change. Through all of this, you can have a new life full of true satisfaction and without methamphetamine. I’ve compared meth to a scar on my knee because that’s all it is to me. Yes, friend, it can be like that for you. But I implore you to make the decision before you are FORCED to resign due to incarceration or death.
