“And that’s when I shot him, Your Honor” says my husband when he’s angry with me, or with one of the many pet peeves I have that drive him crazy. That joke never fails to make us laugh and diffuses the situation.
Why does the person you love the most make you so nervous? It’s not that men are from Mars, or women from Venus; it’s more like we all grew up on different planets, and when the planets collide, watch out! It seems logical that like attracts like, but in my private counseling practice, it’s obvious that people are often attracted to their opposites. In a new relationship, it’s adorable and exciting. It’s not until the partners feel comfortable and more relaxed with each other that all those new and exciting quirks become old and irritating. Familiarity makes those cute little noises, expressions, habits and oddities stand out like the spines on a cactus.
No matter how much they love each other, they are likely to get irritated by these annoying parts. But there are good news. It is possible to avoid the irritating quirks of people he lives with, is friends with, or deals with at work.
We all like to imagine that life would be smoother and the relationship would be ideal if your frustrating partner just changed. But, people who have to be apart for a period of time are often surprised to find that they miss the little quirks of their loved one’s personality.
Oddities are part of who your partner is and part of why you fell in love. The fantasy that the two of you would be happier if you were more alike seems beautiful, but too much similarity becomes boring. On the other hand, if there is no degree of similarity between you and your partner, the relationship will be too stressful. The excitement and challenge of your relationship come from your differences, the security and ease of your relationship come from your similarities. Those blank quirks are part of the excitement and sustained interest between you.
Because we are all different from each other, with different backgrounds, experiences, and early training, we all have little quirks, personality traits, or habits that we must accommodate, one way or another, if we want to have a sustainable relationship. These quirks (a laugh that grates on your nerves, differences in messiness or cleanliness, irritating jokes or stories, incompatible work schedules and different ideas about TV shows or music, housework, the fact that your partner is bite your nails or smoke, what and when to feed the dog, how politely you should speak to your children, or how warm the room should be) when put up with for months and years, it can seem like reason enough to get divorced or even commit mayhem. Many of these things may seem “dumb” and so insignificant that you’re embarrassed to feel so unhappy about them, but if you and your partner can’t negotiate and resolve your frustration, small irritations can build up enough resentment over time to become problems. serious. .
Guidelines: Dealing with Your Partner’s Personality Quirks
When such minor irritations occur, there are four things you can do.
1. Sometimes your partner’s quirks — like being messy, picking their teeth, not putting lids back on jars, watching too much TV, or singing off key — are small enough to be easily dismissed by deciding the ” complete package” from your partner more than makes up for the annoying little clothes. If you can do this without resentment, your partner’s quirks will no longer be an issue, though from time to time you may need to remind yourself of the benefits of being together.
2. You may also voluntarily modify your own behavior (going to the bathroom to brush your teeth, screwing your eyelids shut) to reduce your partner’s discomfort.
3. You can minimize (by leaving the room or distracting yourself with a project) the impact your partner’s clothing has on you.
4. If the previous three steps don’t work and you’re feeling irritated and resentful about a quirk or habit, you and your partner can discuss the problem objectively, without blaming or defensiveness, to create mutually satisfying solutions.
Using these guidelines will help you create new ways to be partners for life without upsetting others; and develop new options to treat irritations when they arise.
Quirks are also problematic outside of your primary relationship. There are people in your life who are easy to be with and others who are more difficult for you. It’s not that they’re bad people, others get along with them and, with a little thought, so do you. Maybe you need to work a little harder to understand what they mean, to not take what they say the wrong way, or have a little more patience with them, because their personalities or styles are quite different from yours. It’s worth the work, because your differences will stretch you both a bit and enrich my life and understanding in a way that most similar people don’t. Challenging relationships can be the most rewarding, when you understand that they have a purpose.
© 2017 Tina B. Tessina
adapted from: Lovestyles: How to Celebrate Your Differences (Kindle and Paperback) https://tinyurl.com/ycsxu4uo
