Recently, I have started receiving many emails about in-laws (particularly mothers and sisters-in-law) that the writer perceives is “trying to destroy my marriage” or “trying to drive a wedge between myself and my spouse.” Often times, the writer (who is usually a woman) tells me that the mother-in-law never liked me, that she has never accepted her, and that she will never pass up the opportunity to cause trouble or to make the husband choose a side or to agitate to somebody. theme that will create tension and drama.
This is a very difficult situation. Your husband did not choose his parents and, like it or not, he has stayed with them. I mean, you can certainly divorce your spouse and no longer be legally tied to him, but your immediate family (and especially the woman who gave birth to you) is yours forever. Add that to the fact that many mothers will cling to their adult children as if he is just as responsible to her as her own husband and there is definitely a recipe for conflict there. In the next article, I will offer tips and advice on how to best handle this.
Always try to see things from your husband’s perspective: I know I am asking a lot when I tell you this. It’s hard to put yourself in someone else’s shoes when they attack you. However, it is very important to remember that your husband is the one caught in the middle. Your mother will likely view any breakup on your part as betrayal. That is not to say that I do not have a responsibility to you, it does, and I will discuss that later. But you also have to do your part. Before making any requests, think about how you would like him to react if the roles were reversed. What if it was your mother who was creating tension and drama with him? Wouldn’t you want him to try to let this get away from him instead of getting mad at you and demanding that you put your own mother in her place?
Understand what the mother-in-law is really trying to achieve (and not let her achieve it 🙂 If you’re correct in your assumptions that your mother-in-law wants to break up your marriage, then what better way to fight fire with fire by making sure she doesn’t get your wish? Don’t play directly with his hand. What she really doesn’t want is for you to go about your business completely happily and without being affected by her games. So this is just what you want to happen, of course. Your best defense against her is a happy husband who doesn’t realize all this drama. If you are happy at home, you may not listen to your criticism or pay attention. This is your goal.
So stay cheerful when she throws her quills. He acts like he’s literally joking. You want to let her know that you are really laughing at her and that her attempts to hurt you are not only missing the point, but giving you something to have fun with. My aunt used to tell me to “kill with kindness.” This is great advice in this situation. The badder it gets, the more you should smile. This will bother her more than anything. If you get mad and have a negative reaction, then she won that hand. But if she smiles and then rejects her, this will frustrate her a lot. And, if you keep playing this game long enough, it might eventually stop playing.
Creating a united front with commitment: Until now, I’ve been asking you to do all the giving, but it’s not asking too much to ask your husband to set some limits as well. This does not mean that you should ask him to separate from his mother. But it is not unreasonable to ask you to set some limits. Now you are also a family and you may want to spend a vacation alone or with your own family. You may not want to have to have Sunday dinner at home every week. There is a happy middle ground in all these situations. It’s not fair to ask you to make drastic changes, but there is nothing wrong with cutting back. This gives everyone at least some of what they want.
Understand your best scenario. I bet you want your own family to be a priority and to be happy. And you probably want your husband to be happy without any unnecessary stress regarding you or your extended family. So, always keep this in mind and control what you can. In truth, you cannot control how your mother-in-law or in-laws act or what they demand of you. But what you can control is your reaction. You can control your own immediate family. So, live to keep him as happy as you can at home and limit your negative contact with in-laws as much as possible by setting limits.
At the end of the day, you must remember that it is your job to safeguard your own happiness and well-being. Because the mental health and tranquility of the wife and mother affect all members of the family. Don’t let her (or them) get to you and affect your happiness. Do you want to gradually reduce your family? Well, give them the opposite. Make sure they know that your family is so strong and deeply connected that they are just wasting their time. Respect that your husband cannot choose or force his family to behave. You cannot control others. But you can control yourself and your reactions to them. Always make sure that these reactions are for the benefit of your own family, not theirs.
