Love at first sight. They see each other from across the room. Her eyes lock. All other people vanish. The music starts. He approaches her and it is as if they have known each other all their lives. They kiss. they get married AND 2.5 kids later and a black lab, they live happily ever after. After all. It’s a fairy tale.
I do a fair amount of relationship work with my clients. And it’s no wonder I hear the same complaints over and over again from both men and women. It’s almost as if they’ve both forgotten that relationships take work.
A woman I have worked with over the years told me that monogamy is a thing of the past. For some yes. For many, no. When we checked her dating history, all of her relationships ended in infidelity, or she was just ghosting. Going deeper into these conversations, I asked her if she was ever the one who committed the infidelity. She said yes. About a third of the time. When I asked her why she left her. She said that she didn’t want to be the first to get hurt. Hmm…
When does causing pain justify not working for progress? There comes a time when you have to decide that being in a relationship is not just about you. I have had several clients {and friends} who have been married 4 or more times. Guess what? It’s not them. It’s most likely you. Marriage often gets a bad rap. Despite having a bad reputation, the divorce rate continues to decline. 50% of all marriages end in divorce has not been true for quite some time. A marriage is like a fairy tale. They both take work.
I am often asked what is the best advice you can give to someone who is getting married. The short answer. If you’re not willing to give it your all, especially when your partner clearly isn’t, marriage is not for you. Yes, a healthy marriage is mutual. But you can’t control that. All you can control is what you are putting into a relationship. I am not suggesting that you endure a life of unhappiness. I am suggesting that it is very rare for you and your partner to bring your best to the relationship at the same time.
I know of couples who broke up because one of them got sick. They literally left because their partner was in bed for a few weeks. I am not judging these individuals. However, I wonder if they ever loved their partner in the first place. Or was it more that they loved the idea of how their partner made them feel?
So do fairy tales exist? I think they do. But they require work. And if you work. You might see that happy ending you’re looking for.
