I get a lot of correspondence about loveless marriages. People ask me how to survive them, how to be happy in them, or how to live in harmony within one, especially for the sake of the children. Strangely, I don’t get as many requests for advice on how to fix them. It seems that couples living in a loveless marriage don’t believe that it can really change or improve. This is frustrating because I have seen countless changes in so-called “loveless” marriages. And truly living in a loving and caring home is, at least in my opinion, the most positive thing for everyone involved. So, in the next article, I will tell you how I think it is possible to fix or repair a loveless marriage.
The first step in repairing a loveless marriage is to not allow definitions to limit your beliefs: Here is a common thread that I often find in this situation. People’s perceptions and definitions can greatly affect the outcome. And once you start referring to your marriage as “loveless,” it really affects your emotions, your perceptions, your expectations, and possibly the health of your marriage.
Certainly, I have no doubt that your marriage is struggling, it could well be unsatisfying, and you could be feeling quite devoid of love. Many people in this situation tell me that they are just going through the motions, living as roommates, not even acknowledging each other, or often just communicating in a negative way. I understand that it is difficult not to label a situation like this. Please try to keep an open mind as we move forward. This can make all the difference.
Determine why your marriage no longer feels loving: The next step would be to identify why you are experiencing your marriage the way you are. Why does it feel “loveless” to you? What is it that most discourages you (or your spouse)? And how long has it been like this? Because one thing I almost always find is that very few marriages have been “loveless” from the start.
No, typically something changed somewhere along the line. And sometimes people will say that it is their spouse who has changed. I often hear comments like, “My husband has completely changed. He’s not the man I married. He’s lazy and sarcastic and I don’t even like him anymore, much less love him.” From husbands I hear things like: “My wife used to be very loving and very funny. She used to listen and laugh with me. But now, she just looks at me like I let her down. She looks good.” she through me and then scolds.
These perceptions can cloud and drown out the good things within your marriage and feed on themselves. And, when perceptions change, unfortunately so do priorities and attention. The final change is the feelings.
So maybe you went out and did fun things together regularly at the beginning of your marriage, but you highly doubt this is possible now. Or, her spouse used to go out of her way to show him and tell him how much she loved and appreciated him, but lately she rarely gives him a second glance.
The thing is, all of these changes are contributing to your changing feelings and the way you view and define your marriage. I often tell people that I think “sloppy” is a better adjective for this type of marriage than “loveless.” And it is not always marriage that spouses neglect. Yes, they neglect each other. But often they also neglect themselves. Their happiness level drops a lot and they shut down and start tripping every day and going through the motions without even thinking.
Shaking up a loveless marriage to repair the damage and regain loving feelings: If you continue the way you are, you may assume that the way you feel won’t change either. And very often, when a marriage has become “loveless,” one of the reasons for this is that you have picked up destructive habits. You must break these. And that can be difficult when you’ve established negative marital norms that at least feel predictable.
But someone has to be that brave person who will step up and shake things up a bit. Yes, this can make you feel exposed and vulnerable. But sometimes it’s worth it in the end. Ask your spouse on a date. congratulate them. Ask them open questions and really listen. Identify what bothers you the most and have the courage to change it in a kind and loving way.
I know some people think I’m crazy when I offer these suggestions. But I’ve seen marriages long left for dead produce people who giggle like teenagers after paying very deliberate attention to their spouse and their marriage again. If your spouse isn’t giving you what you need to feel loved and caring, then ask yourself if you’re doing the same for them, and then ask yourself if you’re not.
We all want the same things. We want to feel adored, understood and wanted. If you make your spouse feel this way, they will likely eventually reciprocate and you may find yourself in a new marriage. It is largely my opinion and experience that it is much easier to “fix” a seemingly loveless marriage than to start over when you have already found your soul mate but no longer recognize or appreciate them due to your own perceptions and labels.
