Sometimes when you notice that you’re fighting with your husband a lot more than usual, you’ll try to chalk it up to stress or just a rough patch. But when her husband admits a very painful and difficult truth, such as the fact that he would rather not be around you, then he often has no choice but to face reality and deal with the matter at hand.
You may hear a wife say, “Last night my husband and I had a big fight. I was arguing with him because for the third night in a row he didn’t bother to come home for dinner. This is disrespectful to my children and with myself and it really upsets me.My husband tried to deflect the situation for a few minutes by telling me that I was overreaching.But I didn’t stop at that point.So he blurted out that he’s not coming home because he doesn’t like being around me. I asked him what this was supposed to mean and he said my attitude has changed and I’m not the person I used to be anymore. He’s right about that. I admit I’m more nervous and worry more than I used to. But this is all his fault. He made some horrible investments and now we are forced to pay money we don’t have. He did all of this behind my back. So I am very stressed and worried. I envision a scenario where we will lose our home. And I admit I often ask him Let my husband know if he has made progress on our finances or what he plans to do about it. the mess we’re in. He says that he knocked him down every time. He says things are bad enough without me always calling attention to our problems and moping about the house like I do. I admit, I’m probably not the life of the party these days. But I have a good reason for acting the way I am. It’s his fault and he deserves it. If he wanted me to act warm and friendly towards him, then he shouldn’t have wasted our money.”
I’m not going to tell you that you have no right to be frustrated because you absolutely do. But I think you should be careful not to add marital problems to your list of things to worry about. I can’t argue with the fact that you’re dealing with a stressful situation. Of course you will worry and be nervous. And, as a result, you may be more irritable than usual. But I think it makes a lot of sense to try to find other ways to let this out instead of being harsh with your husband.
I don’t want to imply that he doesn’t owe you a big apology or that there should be no consequences for his actions. But, think about it for a second. Your main concern here is your family. You don’t want your money mistakes to threaten your family’s safety. But wouldn’t marital problems also threaten him?
I understand that you are dealing with a huge stressor and you probably can’t even always recognize or control your anger. But I think there are better ways to channel it. It makes sense to release it in places other than your home (at least sometimes) where it can harm your family. I would recommend downloading on a very trusted friend or using a journal.
If you use the journal method, you want to make sure you’re not ruminating. And by ruminating, I mean you’re not using the journal to stir up your anger and keep it going because it doesn’t benefit you. Instead, you want to release it, and then ask yourself open-ended questions to help you slowly let go. I found that the easiest way for me to do this was to ask myself questions like, “Of all the options available to me, which one is most likely to keep my family intact and get a good outcome for everyone?” Or “Which option brings the most love to my home?”
It may seem like I’m asking you to ignore your problems or not deal with what your husband has done. I promise you I’m not. But I also know firsthand that she is much more likely to get real action and cooperation from her husband when you work together, when he is receptive to you, and when he treats you with respect. If you can get him to like you, then he’s much more likely to want to support you and minimize your pain. And that means you’ll want to rise to the occasion and take care of finances.
But if you’re abrasive (which is understandable, but destructive), then it’s easier for him to justify his own actions, and you don’t want to give him this kind of outlet. Instead, you want him to do the right thing because he loves his family and because he sees that they don’t deserve it.
