Sometimes I hear from wives who are trying to figure out their spouse’s comments and feelings after cheating or having an affair. At times it almost seems as if she is speaking in riddles. Common comments that cause confusion and doubt are things like “I feel empty and lost and I don’t know why I acted that way and I don’t know what I want.” As if dealing with the matter wasn’t difficult enough, the faithful spouse now has to figure out what he means by these words and what it could mean for the marriage.
You might hear a wife say, “My husband admitted to having an affair. Apparently he broke up with the other woman and then came straight home to make his confession. He says he told me because he couldn’t lie to me.” and he feels that if we are going to save our marriage, then he needs to own up to what he did and be honest. I guess this is a promising start. But my husband has been saying something repetitively that bothers me. Lately, he has been saying over and over again that he feels ‘so empty’. I don’t know if this is a ploy to make me feel sorry for him or if he is being sincere. What the hell does he mean when he says he feels empty? I feel empty too, but I’m not the one. who cheated.”
This phrase is actually very common. Many cheating spouses use this phrase and may refer to their feelings before or after the affair. I have my own opinion on what they might mean by this. And I base this on the feedback I get and my own experience. Of course, it’s just my opinion. The best person to ask about her feelings is the husband himself, but he can’t always articulate her feelings well when he isn’t sure how he feels.
He is very disappointed in himself: This is a logical conclusion. He feels empty because now he has to take inventory of his life and he realizes exactly how reckless he has been and how much damage he has caused. This can make you feel a bit depressed and empty.
He means that he was fighting before the affair and that this could have contributed to the infidelity: I firmly believe that there are times in a man’s life when he is much more likely to cheat. It is extremely common to see well-adjusted, happily married men cheat when faced with a major struggle in life. Some examples are job loss or career disappointment, illness, loss of someone close (like a parent), and battling anxiety or depression or the dreaded midlife crisis. I don’t think this is a coincidence. I think they are tempted to deal with or ease their struggles by having an affair.
So when a man tells you that he feels empty, he is simply reflecting those struggles. Honestly, he may not have even connected the dots and realized that his infidelity had something to do with his personal struggles, and the only way he knows how to articulate this is with a simple sentence like this .
It means that you are emotionally blank due to this whole process: Everyone knows that the faithful spouse can struggle emotionally after the affair. It is a very painful process where you have to deal with shock, disappointment and pain. However, few people realize that the cheating spouse may go through these same struggles. They can feel all the same negative emotions, and in a way, it’s even worse for them because they know that they’re the ones who have caused this kind of pain.
As a result, it is very common for them to shut down emotionally. Think of it this way. Men in this situation have had an affair because they were having trouble dealing with their negative emotions. So it makes sense for you to shut down and feel shut down emotionally as the negative consequences of all of this come to a head. If he was struggling before, imagine how he feels now when he not only has to face the emotions that contributed to the infidelity in the first place combined with having to look at your hurt face now. Frankly, this would make anyone feel empty. It’s quite understandable, really.
Your feeling of emptiness shouldn’t excuse what you did, but it is a sign that healing is important: It is by no means my intention to make excuses for cheating on spouses. Having dealt with this situation myself, I honestly don’t think there is any valid excuse for cheating. Even if he feels empty beyond description, that’s not an excuse for what he did. But it may be an indication that healing for him is just as vital as healing for you, especially if you want to save your marriage.
