Since the latter part of the 20th century, the institution of marriage has experienced a progressive decline. Studies have shown that since 1970, divorce rates have tripled. 20% of all marriages end in divorce. Another 20% of couples living under the same roof are emotionally divorced from each other.
“Getting married is easy,” says Flack, “staying married is harder. Staying married for a lifetime should be considered an art.”
There are many reasons why marriage has been devalued. Some consider it an “oppressive institution.” It is much more comfortable to live as a couple, without shackles that bind you. The very concept of permanence is anathema to the young. Changing partners is much more fun.
However, for those who still believe that marriage is the very foundation of family and society, premarital counseling is an important step to ensure the stability, security, and permanence of the union. A lot of money, time, and energy goes into planning a wedding. But no serious time is spent preparing for the lifelong vocation of marriage. The more thought and preparation that goes into planning one’s own future, the greater the likelihood of growing old together.
Marriage counselor:
The marriage counselor is a trained professional. He at times is a theologically sound and secure pastor in his own marriage and family relationships. The counselor allows the couple to explore different areas of the relationship. He makes them reflect on their aptitude, maturity, and willingness to commit to each other. Is this attraction true love or just lust or a magnificent obsession?
The counselor listens carefully to both parties and helps them discuss their expectations, disagreements, communication problems, and other problems that may arise after the marriage. The counselor brings these issues to light and helps them decide if they would be compatible partners or if their attitudes are so divergent that marriage would be a disaster. Counseling would help them realize that they never knew each other well enough.
Scope of Premarital Counseling:
• Forces introspection. Are you ready to face the responsibility and mature enough to face the otherness of your partner?
• Why get married? Ask yourself the reasons why you want to get married. Is it because all your friends have gotten married? Or do you want to escape parental supervision? Or do you just long for a home and family of your own? Perhaps the man is looking for a cook and the woman wants a caterer.
• Values: Do you have similar values or do they conflict? If so, the marriage will be a tug of war.
• Character: Manners are important. Is the person you intend to marry possessive, controlling, suspicious, or the clinging type?
Egocentrism is also detrimental to marriage. Are you addicted to drugs, alcohol or other substances?
• Determine the qualities you want in a partner. Behavioral traits, relationships, health, ambitions, goals, career plans should be considered.
• Relationships with in-laws: Take a good look at the family. Is it a stable family? How are women treated? Will you have to live in a joint family? In-laws can often be toxic and create problems for the couple.
• Spouse’s occupation: Absent husbands, working wives, high-tech jobs, wages, are some of the issues that need to be discussed.
• Understand their roles. Who will be responsible for what, inside and outside the home?
• Culture and religion: If they are of different religions, decisions must be made regarding expressions of faith. What faith will the children follow?
• Children: Family size, contraception, abortion, family planning, infertility, adoptions.
• Finance: Who will control the strings of the portfolio? Insurance, debt, illness, how will they be addressed? People with high financial status may be reluctant to share their wealth with their partners. Movie stars are known for their prenups. But in most households, keeping money separate, the “yours” and “mine” mentality will create tension.
• Dowry: In Eastern and Asian countries, the problem of dowry-related harassment is a major hurdle. Wives are tortured or even killed if dowry demands are not met. Many desperate women commit suicide.
• Importance of Sex in Marriage: Pride? Sexually obsessed? It takes time to develop a mature and satisfying sexual relationship. This cannot happen overnight. Time will be needed for adjustments. Both must be aware of the variability of desire.
• Past Relationships: Both of you must be emotionally free from the shackles of your past relationships. Bringing the ghosts of past relationships into the marriage will invite suspicion and discourage bonding.
Outcome of premarital counseling:
The couple gets a clear idea of whether or not they agree on important issues. “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” Are there too many incompatibilities and irreconcilable differences? If so, it would be better not to get married. The counselor will describe the pitfalls of entering such a marriage. If the counselor is a pastor, he will be within his rights to deny you a church wedding.
If the differences are minor, they should have a mutually agreed plan on how to resolve future disputes. Awareness makes it easier in those moments.
In 1992, when a hurricane hit South Florida, all the buildings collapsed except for one house that remained standing. The television crew asked the owner how he had accomplished this feat. He said that he had built his house in accordance with the Florida Building Code that could withstand any hurricane. Obviously, the others hadn’t followed the code.
Couples must follow the Marriage Building Code if they want to weather the storms of life. One counselor called premarital counseling a “vaccination against a sick marriage.” Another called it a “marriage boot camp.” Professional counseling is provided over a period of five to eight sessions, so that all problems are resolved. Each is reminded that the responsibility to stay together belongs equally to both.
As the Book of Proverbs says, “Plans fail for lack of advice.”
