When we state something as fact that is really just our subjective point of view, it can have the following impacts on ourselves and others:
1. It can turn people away from us because their experience may not be the same as ours. Of course, people will always have different opinions on things, but when someone states theirs as fact, it can lead others to see them as rigid in their worldview or someone they don’t want to relate to.
For example: If I say:
Working in this place is impossible, nobody sticks their finger out and the company goes to hell.
…others may not have such a negative view of the company and may be quite offended that I make such a statement. They may feel it is necessary to defend the company, or themselves, or even ‘fight back’ and make some statements about me that they also see as factual!
Such a situation will often lead to a disconnection and estrangement between all those involved, as it creates a win/lose dynamic regarding the respective points of view they have. Someone must be ‘right’ if opinions are presented as fact! So someone must be wrong, and it won’t be me!
If you had to use ‘I’ statements instead, you could say it this way:
It is very difficult for me to work here, I think there are things that are not done and that have to be done and I am worried about the future of the organization.
I’m not suggesting this as a ‘script’ as I think it often sounds very disingenuous to use the words suggested by others. My goal is just to present an alternative using ‘I’ statements. You may be able to create a different one and quite possibly a better one. By looking at a statement made in this way, we can see the consequences for future communication and conflict resolution.
Using an ‘I’ statement acknowledges that the point of view is ours and not necessarily a fact about the situation.
My ‘difficulty working here’ could be due to my own current shortcomings, and therefore identifying the difficulty may lead to the identification of a corresponding training need that I have, or a current lack of experience that only time will allow me to gain. . Or it may lead to the identification of circumstances affecting my ability to work that can be influenced and improved by others.
The point is that we can review the situation to try to improve it instead of seeing the problem as a permanent “fact” about the company, inextricably linked to other “facts” about the people in it.
Also, by using the ‘I’ statement, I am not alienating others, nor am I introducing interpersonal conflict into an already difficult situation. I accept ownership of my experience and acknowledge that others may not share it.
This connects very strongly with the next aspect of using I statements…
2. When we state something about a situation as fact instead of acknowledging it as our own experience, it implies that we are powerless to have any influence over our responses to the situation. This is a common way in which conflicts become entrenched and seemingly intractable. Again, the situation boils down to a win/lose dynamic where if one person’s fact is correct, then the other’s must be wrong.
You can’t talk to them.
‘Those kind of people will never change.’
Work will never make you happy.
The Council doesn’t care.
‘My boss is a bully’
Alternatives to the above that use ‘I’ statements could be (and again you may have others):
‘I find it hard to talk to them’
‘It seems I get the same reaction from them every time we meet.’
‘I haven’t found my job to be something I enjoy’
‘I have often felt that the Council has not understood the difficulties I am having.’
‘I feel intimidated in the presence of my boss.’
All of this allows for a review of our own responses to the situation that exists. If I feel intimidated when my boss is around, what is it that makes me respond that way? Why do I answer that way? How could I respond in a way that would make me feel less diminished?
Similar explorations of all ‘I’ statements may follow. All of them allow a self-exploration of our own experience and the possibility of creating new responses to situations.
The point is that the use of ‘I’ statements allows for the possibility of exploration, creativity and change in response to the situation.
When situations are described as “facts”, this implies that they are fixed and immutable.
Nothing is fixed and immutable.
