Over the years, I have worked with many couples and family members who were struggling in their relationships. Unfortunately, they usually did not come for help until their problems were deep-seated and the wounds were deep. Some expressed frustration that promises had been made repeatedly but were not followed by changes. Others claimed that nothing was ever solved and that the issues were simply ignored or buried.
Making long-term changes is not easy or fast. We don’t get into trouble quickly and therefore shouldn’t expect to get out of it quickly.
Here are some steps that will help those who are serious about improving their lives and their situation:
1. Be honest with yourself. Yes, as the old expression goes, “it takes two to tango” and therefore it is important that you face your sins and take responsibility rather than simply blaming the other person. Thinking about things doesn’t help, as ideas go round and round and round in your head. The best thing to do is to sit down with a pencil and paper. Start scribbling on a blank sheet of paper to stimulate your neurological system. Then grab a new sheet of paper and start writing. There is no right or wrong way to do this. Only write. During the process, you may be surprised at what appears on the paper. Things you might never have admitted without this process. And the good news is that when you finish there is a beginning and an end, not just ideas that are circulating.
2. Decide what needs to change. Are you trapped in addictions? Do you ignore the ones you love? Are your words and actions inappropriate? Do you find yourself doing the same negative things over and over? Denial is when you don’t even know that you are lying to yourself. Think about what others have said about you and whether your words are accurate. Chances are, if you’ve heard the same things over and over again, you are probably saying something really.
3. Make a list of everything you will lose if you don’t change. I remember a customer who did this years ago and carried the list in his bag. Whenever she was tempted to drink or gamble, she would pull out the list and test herself for reality. Will you lose the relationship? Or respect? Your career? Or your confidence? Write them all down.
3, act. Start by making a sincere commitment to yourself about what you need and are willing to do. Make sure you are serious and prepared to do whatever it takes to change. Start by setting small but achievable steps that you can start right away. Remember, success breeds success, so you need to start moving in the right direction to gain momentum.
4. Start learning. The wonderful thing about this world is that there are many resources to help you. Some choose to take an online course. Others join a support group. Many read self-help books. Others start therapy.
4. Sincerely apologize to those you have hurt, but don’t do this unless you really mean it. In a couple of clear sentences, admit the things you have done and ask for forgiveness. Then wait. Just because you’ve come this far doesn’t mean the other person has. In fact, it may take a long time to get to the point of forgiveness. They may even need to watch you for a while to see if your actions show that you mean business.
5. Request correction. Just because you mean well doesn’t automatically mean that you will do well. Ask the other person if they would tell you when they are slipping back into their old habits so that you can become aware and adjust.
The relationship can be hard work and requires good communication combined with a desire to help the other person grow. But there are definitely wonderful rewards for those who invest in the process.
You can improve your personal life and your relationship from now on.
One step at a time!
