I often hear of wives who are trying to save their marriages after a husband’s affair, but run into some trouble as they go along. I recently heard from a wife who was very sincere about doing everything she could to ensure that her marriage recovered. She was still shocked, furious, and struggling, but she was trying to focus on moving forward. So, she was definitely doing her part.
And her husband claimed that he was just as committed as she was, but when the two found themselves together trying to reconnect and rebuild, it was extremely noticeable that the husband felt awkward and uncomfortable. As such, these attempts to reconnect weren’t going so well. The wife said, in part: “I think we’re both trying really hard, but it just doesn’t fit. I can tell that my husband is very tense and uncomfortable. It’s not like I’m trying to make him feel guilty or even bringing up It’s just that the easy relationship we used to have is gone. She constantly shifts her weight and clears her throat. She rarely makes eye contact with me or holds my gaze. Her discomfort is almost worse for me than infidelity. Because we used to having such an easy and comfortable relationship full of laughs. And now it’s so awkward and forced. Why does he feel so awkward when I’m trying to make this as easy for him as possibly can I? And is there anything I can do? to improve it more quickly? “I will try to address these questions in the next article.
It is normal for a husband to feel uncomfortable after an affair, even when both people really want the marriage to work: The wife in this situation was really worried that her husband would be so uncomfortable with her because his heart was no longer involved in the marriage. She was concerned that her husband was trying to “fake” his love and commitment to her and so she saw him change uncomfortably. He could understand why he felt that way, but his perception was not necessarily true.
Many times, a husband’s discomfort is due to guilt and unresolved issues. Sometimes he knows how difficult the situation he has created is for you and therefore it is very difficult for him to look you in the eye and see the pain he created. And even when you assure him that you will survive and that you can recover, he may still have his doubts because he knows that he has made a big mistake from which things might not be the same again.
Does this mean that the comfort level will not return? No, it doesn’t have to mean this. It may mean that the process will take some time or that there are still issues that have not been addressed and that still cause some problems or discomfort. Sometimes it’s best to try to have at least one frank but short conversation about this each day because when you can do this, the process becomes a little easier to navigate, if only because you get used to it.
If it’s been some time and you’re still noticing the discomfort, you may want to explore what might be causing it: Like I said, some annoyances are just part of this process. But if weeks and months have passed without any improvement at all, you may want to explore if there are still some major, unresolved issues that are causing problems. Sometimes the husband is very concerned that there is still information that you do not yet know and is nervous about this coming out. Other times, the husband’s behavior mirrors yours, although you may not realize it. And in some cases, the husband still feels guilty and this weighs heavily on him.
The way to improve all of these things is to keep communicating, keep trying to move on, and keep being honest about how you feel and what you care about the most. The truth is, all the problems that an affair brings can eventually be overcome with honesty and work, but this often doesn’t happen on its own. You have to be very proactive and you have to address things as they arise. Sometimes it can be very tempting to ignore some of the more unpleasant things and hope they just go away. But in my experience and observation, this is often a mistake.
Generally, ignoring discomfort will only make it worse. Nobody wants to bring it up, so avoiding it becomes one more thing you have to worry about and therefore negative feelings only multiply. Of course, the wife in this situation wanted to feel that easy familiarity that had always defined their marriage. And she wanted this to happen immediately. Although it would probably be helpful to reach out and ask the husband if something specific was bothering him, getting things back to normal after an affair will often take some time.
Once the husband was able to see the wife’s recovery and was able to show the wife that he was trustworthy, committed, and repentant, his level of guilt should begin to improve and the wife would likely begin to see his comfort level respond. Consequently. I want to mention one more thing. The comfort of the husband is not really the responsibility of the wife. She cannot make him feel something that he does not feel and beyond offering him some guarantees and moving forward, the rest is up to him.
That said, I felt that with continued progress and open communication, this was a situation that would continue to improve, so it was eventually not the biggest problem the couple faced.
