Almost everyone has met or been a victim of abuse, however, the types of abuse and the people who dish it out are not that easy to spot. There are different types of relationship abuse; physical, emotional, financial and being manipulated through disruptive and diversionary behaviors.
A publication by Dr. Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., a psychologist, describes abusers quite well. “Who are these people?” In romantic relationships, they are controlling, abusive, and manipulative partners who can ruin not only the relationship, but also our self-esteem, finances, and reputation.”
Dr. Carver classifies abusers into three categories, each containing a set of disorders, which he calls “Personality Disorder.” The greatest number of relationship destroyers is contained in four disorders that he calls “Cluster B.” These disorders are Antisocial Personality, Borderline Personality, Histrionic Personality and Narcissistic Personality.
Antisocial Personality: A pervasive pattern of disregard for the rights of others and the rules of society. They are chronically irresponsible, unsupportive, con artists, and have no regard for the rights of others. They get in trouble with law enforcement, lie, physically assault others, and generally feel no remorse for their actions.
Borderline Personality: A pattern of intense but unstable relationships, lack of impulse control, fear of abandonment, and unstable self-image. They may also seek attention with threats or attempts at self-harm or suicide, intense inappropriate anger, and fleeting paranoia.
Histrionic Personality – A pattern of excessive emotional display and attention seeking, they are sometimes called Drama Queens and are often sexually seductive and highly manipulative in relationships.
Narcissistic Personality: A pervasive preoccupation with admiration, entitlement, and selfishness. They exaggerate their accomplishments, have a sense of entitlement, and lack empathy or concern for others. They feel entitled to special attention, privileges, and consideration in social settings and feel entitled to punish those who do not give them the required respect, admiration, or attention.
If one is going on a date or is already in a relationship, it would be wise to look for certain cues in the other that tell you who the other person can be without the frills and pretensions that the courtship process entails. Here are some things to look for:
· Do they blame someone else for their lack of performance at work, or was it someone else’s fault that they gave them a ticket?
· Do they talk very loudly, more than when they are alone with you, in public places or on their cell phone in public? Do they criticize you in public to make you feel incompetent or ashamed?
Are they rude to the waitress or other staff members at restaurants, or rude to other drivers? Do they demand immediate service and/or special treatment whether in restaurants or other social settings?
· Do you throw garbage out the window of your vehicle and consider it someone else’s problem?
· Did they propose to you within a short period of time or suggest moving in together?
Does he call you excessively or verbalize his love too often and expect the same from you?
· Has the other ever pushed, hit or yelled at you, or broke your personal belongings to get back at you out of anger?
Do they drink alcohol excessively or take drugs (illegal, mind-altering, or mood-enhancing)?
If the answer is yes to any of the above statements, then my criteria to consider is: If any of the above creates problems with law enforcement, with the workplace, any social setting, or a problem at home, then one can have an abuser, user or loser on their hands.
These are just a few symptoms of a bad relationship that one should look into before trying to maintain it, either by getting into a relationship or, if you’re in one, staying in one. These decisions can become life-altering decisions that can be devastating and rob one of the freedom and satisfaction of a lifetime of happiness.
